Top 10 on the 10th: Trends That Need to Die

#10 Crocs

I don't know how these shoes came to be, but let me share with you my hypothesis. After touring Europe some dude received the inspiration to combine the style of old wooden Dutch shoes with the texture of Swiss cheese.Regardless of their origin, nobody should have adopted these ridiculous foot coverings. People whine, "but they're soooo comfortable" I don't care how comfortable they are! Since when does comfort become such a disproportionate reason to justify a clear violation of fashion? As if their unsightly appearance wasn't enough, the non-breathable rubber creates the perfect environment for the fungus commonly known as athlete's foot. Not only do I have to see you people in these hideious things, I have to smell you as well. Enough is enough.

#9 MySpace/Blogs with embedded playlists

I don't care HOW good you think your music is; I guarantee you it's not good enough to compel me to listen to it unsuspectingly. Maybe Journey's Don't Stop Believin' but even that's pushing it. If I want music I don't say to myself, "I think I'll head to insert name's blog, they have the sweetest 10 track playlist!" If I want internet radio I'm heading to Last.fm or Pandora.

#8 MP3 Ringtones

As cool as hearing the bass-less top 40 hit of the month from your puny cell phone speaker is, I think ringtones should be the true essence of the word. A tone. By this I mean polyphonic at best. Unless you have a JVC Kaboom box, broadcasting your music to everyone within 50 feet just isn't worth it. It only desecrates the song you wish to honor. Instead please seek its polyphonic equivalent. If you need some tones to get started just send me a text message.

#7 Touch Screen Devices

I don't understand why portable electronics are moving in this direction. I cannot stand it when someone touches my LCD screen. Everyone of my screens is lovingly cared for with a 50/50 isopropyl alcohol~distilled water solution and gently wiped with a microfiber cloth. The LAST thing I want to do to my brand new expensive gadget is to make it look like the sliding glass door in a daycare center. I need the satisfying click and recoil a button assures me. I cannot get this with a touch screen. I am also anti touch screen when it comes to machines like Redbox. Why you ask? They are hardly ever cleaned therefore they are often smeared with baby food, Vaseline, or some other mystery goo. If you're not going to clean at least provide a complimentary disposable latex glove so I can rent my movie without getting slimed.

#6 Public Display of Ultrasound Photos

I know the fact that a baby is growing inside you or your spouse is exciting. Actually I don't, but I can imagine. I don't wish to discredit this miracle. But I want to let you in on a little secret. You're ultrasound picture looks like everyone else's! Which ironically, looks nothing like a baby! When I look at such a photo all I see is what looks like: a) a nebula in outerspace b) an alien taking a bath in ink or c) a polaroid ruined by a gigantic thumb print.

Bonus Material - Read only if not easily offended: In fact, pretty much from the moment you post your open mouth kissing pics with your significant other to the point the baby is 6-months old, not much varies from the standard boiler plate. Once you've seen one baby sit-up, stand-up, rollover, go to the zoo, eat spaghetti, take a bath, coo, you have seen them all. UNLESS IT'S YOURS. Then it's cool. I can dig that. But don't be surprised if everyone else isn't as charmed as you are. So unless your baby likes getting rickrolled or his name his name is Charlie, I'm probably not interested.

#5 Oversize Sunglasses

You know the ones. The only time they should ever be worn is when Crocodile Rockin' out. I'm not sure who resurrected this fad, but I think Paris Hilton made it mainstream. That is reason enough to discontinue the practice.

#4 Reality TV

MTV's The Real World was pretty cool at the time. That's when such programs were few and far between and it was kind of fun because they were a novelty. But now the airwaves are plastered with some of the dumbest shows. Are people really that interested in the outcome of Flava Flave's relationships, or who Paris Hilton's new BFF will be, or ANYTHING that features Tyra Banks TALKING? Reality programs caught our attention at first because such shows featured people like us. I have no beef with game shows, in fact, I love Jeopardy!. Take Jeopardy!, invite skanky contestants, challenge them with truth-or-dare-esque questions, and award the winner the honor of hanging out with a famous idiot. You would then have the modern equivalent of today's reality show.

#3 Inconsiderate Bluetooth Guy

This guy can often be spotted at Starbucks, The Sharper Image, and sometimes Subway. He usually has a silver watch, a fake tan, and smells like Polo, and resembles the main guy on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. This jerk will carry on a conversation no matter how many people are surrounding him. Surely when it comes time to place his order he will finally terminate the call, but no! The chatter continues and if the person behind the counter doesn't fully understand his rushed order, he actually has the audacity to get pissed off! Your bluetooth is not fashionable. It's just rude, the only time it actually serves a useful purpose is while driving. So get back into your Infiniti and leave everyone else out of it.

#2 Flea Collar Bracelets

These are cool if you're Lance Armstrong. I'm fine with people wearing a bracelet to support a dude diagnosed with testicular cancer and his foundation. But these have gotten way out of hand. I swear I've even seen one for a law firm. Even sporting the satirical silicone bracelet is risky in my opinion, but I have to admit this one is pretty funny.

#1 Christmas Music Before Thanksgiving

This single act of disrespect illustrates the lack of gratitude in our country today. Maybe Thanksgiving comes before Christmas for a reason, or maybe it's just a coincidence but either way this has got to stop. Believe me, I'm ALL for Christmas music when it's the season. In fact, that's what makes it so fun. Trust me for eleven months I anxiously anticipate Karen Carpenter wishing me a "Merry Christmas, Darling" and that's what makes Christmas music so great; the fact that it is kept sacred. Please do not contribute to this awful trend.